Monday, 1 September 2014

Ispace Wars: Ladies' Academy - Giri

Giritinuvielwen – let's call her Giri, despite (or perhaps because of) the fact that this would give her conniptions – was unaccustomedly nervous as she stepped from the grass of Dalek-occupied Earth into the huge, glass-fronted building. She wasn't used to such trepidation, since she was a Mary-Sue, and therefore perfect in every way (including 'perfectly in control'). In this case, though, she wasn't in a story of her own devising, or one written for her. She was in the lobby of Dreams Come True, Inc, the largest and oldest surviving Mary-Sue Factory – and headquarters of the Venomous Tentacula's League of Mary-Sue Factories. In short, she was outnumbered, outclassed, and (she began to feel), hideously outdated.

The attendant behind the desk – a factory Sue whose creation had gone awry, one of the colourless creatures known as Defectives – listened carefully and with obvious disinterest to Giri's explanation of her presence. Then, almost Sue-like in her languor, she pointed down one of the Factory's many corridors.

"The Venomous Tentacula's office is that way," she said. "The others are already there."

"Others? What others?" Giri demanded, but the Defective didn't even bother to acknowledge the question. Giri thought about grabbing her, forcing some answers out of her – but no, wanton violence was Celia's field. Better to stick to her strengths: her brain.

Monday, 14 July 2014

Ispace Wars: ????? - Formation

“-ridiculous,” Dafydd snapped. “I was stopped by one of the Sub Rosa’s spies in Malijach the other day – me! Oh, he apologised afterwards, sort of, but do you know what he said? ‘We can’t be too careful’. To me!”

Narto listened, wide-eyed, as Dafydd continued to rant. Lou glanced up at the ceiling. “I thought you’d show up,” she murmured.

A door slammed somewhere in the Illian home, and a moment later Constance stalked in. “It’s confirmed,” she announced. “I checked with my sources, and-“

“Wait, you have sources?” Dafydd cut her off. “Where can I get some?”

Constance poked her tongue out at him. “Well, I talked to Steve, at any rate. Maybe if you didn’t drive all your partners insane…”

“Unfair,” Dafydd countered. “Not all of you are bonkers.”

Thursday, 12 June 2014

Ispace Wars: OFUU - Gathering

Meduseld was dark when Dr Huinesoron pushed the door open, dark and cold – but not empty. Though the Riders of Rohan were gone – most of them to the Staff Section of OFUM – the Golden Hall was playing host to the Course Coordinators of the OFUs of the multiverse.

Miss Kat of OFUWho was fidgeting, as usual, though Dr Huinesoron doubted she’d ever occupied herself making chains out of discarded pieces of bridle before. Mr Allen and Miss Carol (IAHF and OFUH respectively) seemed moderately awestruck by the tapestries (one of which MBSFA’s Mr Ben seemed to be trying to take home). Mr Marty, also of MBSFA, was glaring at the fire and shivering sporadically.  And all of them, Dr Huinesoron noted with a suppressed sigh, had gotten there before him.

The door creaked as he closed it, and the Coordinators looked up (those that weren’t already paying attention). “Thank you all for coming,” Dr Huinesoron said. “This meeting was very short notice, and you all have things to do, so thank you for making the time.”

Friday, 23 May 2014

Ispace Wars: Ladies' Academy - Magiseer Karisana

There is no end
And no beginning
We dare not voice
Our suffering

Harry Potter snuck through the corridors of Hogwarts muttering to himself about how HerMOANY Granger was insisting she needed his help because the House Elfs she helped were being scared by something which was all very well but Harry had better things to do like the date with Ginny he'd turned down to come and help HerMOANY.

It is not fair
How rough things are
We can't be happy
Not so far

Tuesday, 13 May 2014

Ispace Wars: Prologue - The Ladies' Academy

"… can't believe they're still using our name!"

"I, like, totally agree!" exclaimed Princess Silverlocks III. "I mean, are they even half as stunning as me? They're totally not Mary-Sues!"

Giritinuvielwen, headmistress of the Ladies' Academy for Mary-Sue Enrichment, frowned slightly. The problem with running a school for Mary-Sues, she reflected, is that if you do your job properly, they come out thicker than two short planks.

"They apparently think Mary-Sues are a bad thing," she pointed out to Silverlocks. "The so-called 'Redemptionist' Academy is dedicated to taking our Mary-Sues and undoing our hard work."

"That's just silly!" Silverlocks declared, tossing her golden tresses (she usually dyed them before working a story, to make them match her name). "Why would anyone want to take someone as, like, smart, beautiful, funny and perfect as me and change me back to how I used to be?"

Which was a mousy-haired fast food saleswoman named Stephanie, as Giritinuvielwen recalled. It was a good question, too – what was wrong with making girls into images of perfection and letting them live out their fantasies?

Tuesday, 6 May 2014

Ispace Wars: Prologue - Ispace

The door clicked closed as Liliac placed the tray of food on the small table. "And how are you today?" she asked conversationally.

Phoebe stared out of the window, but Liliac doubted she was even seeing the sweeping heights of the Misty Mountains, the tangled forest about their feet.

"Some of my operatives ran into agents of the PPC today," Liliac went on. "Apparently they'd both gone after the same elf-lusting Sue. And of course the Protectors attacked – what would you expect of people who call themselves Assassins?"

Nothing from Phoebe.

Liliac shrugged. "My girls drove them off and finished the Sue," she went on. "Shows the value of superior training – or, ha, any training. Of course, the Mary-Sue Academy has asked us not to kill them any more. They say they want to 'redeem' the Sues - and since we're not bloodthirsty maniacs, we'll actually do it, too."


Thursday, 1 May 2014

Ispace Wars: Prologue - PPC

Penny glared across the desk at the gigantic yellow sunflower in his pinstriped suit. “You’re not listening to me, sir,” she grated. “Ispace is a threat to-“

To a small group of fangirls, yes, you’ve stated this several times, the Sunflower Official, Head of the PPC’s Department of Mary-Sues, cut her off. Now, Agent- I beg your pardon, Assassin Smith, allow me to point out some facts you may not be aware of.

The PPC is not, in fact, some sort of multiverse police force. Our remit is badfic – no more, and certainly no less. Are you claiming that an Official Fanfiction University is badfic? Or this Ispace?

“No,” Penny ground out, “but they-“

I mean, can you imagine how Jurisfiction would react? Or the Fairytale Police Department? The canonical Trans-Dimensional Organisations are already half-convinced we’re a bunch of vigilantes out to poach their jobs.

Monday, 28 April 2014

Ispace Wars: Prologue - OFUU

The Administrator closed his laptop with a click and turned to face his last three students. “That’s everyone else home,” he announced. “PPCers to HQ, everyone else to the Real World. All vampires successfully de-vamped, everyone turned back to human – even Traveler is no longer a box. Everyone except you three.” He grimaced and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I can’t say I’m happy about this.”

“I never imagined you would be,” Iplis said softly. “But I’m not going back.”

“And I’m not leaving if she’s still here,” Cazzie added, glowering at the vampire. “You can’t trust her.”

“And I can trust you? You’re a fangirl too,” the Administrator pointed out. He raised a hand at Cazzie’s protest. “All right. I’ve allowed you to stay – both of you – because you were closest to Liliac and our Death of Fangirls.” He glanced at the third fangirl. “You, on the other hand, are here for the effect you have on Ispace. But all of you are only staying because you could be useful – not because I like you.”

“Being liked went out of the window for me last night,” Iplis observed. “I’ll help you.”

“Yes, you will.” The Administrator shook his head. “So here we are. I suppose you have questions.”

The Ispace Wars

This cannot go on.

For too long, the elves of the multiverse - be they Eldar or House Elves, Drow or Fae - have been cruelly oppressed. In their own stories they are attacked, injured, even killed. In the OFUs, they are forced to teach malicious students - or, worse, are forced to be such students, punished and tortured at the whim of the university's' masters. And should the Protectors of the Plot Continuum class them as 'Mary-Sues', those vicious Assassins in black will hound them, hunt them, and murder them.

This cannot go on. Without the elves, the human imagination will fail. The multiverse will go the way of reality television - mind-numbing deserts of flat characters, endless seas of tedium. Without the elves, all of fiction will fail. We know - we have seen it.

We are Ispace. And we will not let this go on.