This story contains minor spoilers for Star Wars: The Force Awakens.
Lord Haven tugged his hood up and stepped into the audience chamber. While the Star Wars Fan Fiction Academy was in session, this room was usually occupied by Threepio teaching linguistics, Anakin and Obi-Wan running yet another 'There Is No Passion, Nor Is There Slash' seminar, or Mon Mothma trying to explain the difference between background characters and unimportant ones.
But it was what the Admissions team insisted on calling the Holidays holidays. All the students had been sent home, the teachers were all drinking themselves stupid enough that they'd probably be singing Life Day songs before long, and Lord Haven was in a mad scramble to get his new staff members inducted.
He had hoped that putting them all together like this would lead them to form new bonds that transcended their canonical disagreements and encouraged a sense of unity and purpose. That… didn't seem to have happened.
Lightsaber scarring on the wall of the auditorium showed where Kylo Ren had gone off the rails (again). The Knight of Ren himself was currently being sat on by Poe Dameron and Finn, while Rey amused herself (and Maz) by fiddling with Supreme Leader Snoke's hologram projector. As Haven watched, the towering holo flickered for a moment, then reappeared, three inches high and perched on Captain Phasma's helmet.
From the top of the stairs came a high-pitched beeping, and then a series of thumps as BB-8 tumbled down onto the floor. Poe jumped up from Kylo Ren's back ('accidentally' kicking the Knight of Ren in the ribs as he went) and hurried over to his droid as R2-D2 floated down into the chamber on the rocket thrusters he refused to give up.
Lord Haven glanced over at the other returning characters, hoping for some support, but Luke, Leia, and Chewie were just watching with varying levels of grins on their faces. The only one who seemed remotely concerned was C-3PO, but Haven had a feeling he was mostly put out about his red arm.
At least they didn't bring any fighters in this time, he thought with a sigh, then raised a hand for attention. That achieved precisely nothing, apart from a cheerful wave from Rey.
"Um, if you could-" Lord Haven coughed and deepened his voice. "You will all cease this squabbling immediately."
"As if they could." General Hux's face was fixed in its accustomed sneer. "This bunch of traitors and pirates wouldn't know ordered behaviour if it-"
"Blew up their planet?" Poe cut in. "You might want to think a bit about the difference between 'organised' and 'insane'."
"Yeah!" Finn knelt up on Kylo Ren's back, drawing another groan from Ren. "That's right! You'd better!"
"These factional divisions are irrelevant now," Lord Haven said. He went to clasp his hands behind his back, then realised he already had. "You are no longer officers of the Resistance or the First Order. You are teachers, professors, and lecturers of the Star Wars Fan Fiction Academy."
"And you really think that's as important as bringing order to the galaxy?" Captain Phasma's voice was scathing and electronic. "Your priorities are sorely-"
"I thought you might say something like that." Lord Haven held up a sheet of paper for the staff members to see. "I quote: 'Many officers on both sides simply ordered their men to kill any wounded or surrendering soldiers, Phasma herself included. But the officer standing before her defied that logic; he had defended her soldiers from his own men, something she had never seen before. Perhaps this young man before her was the epitome of a proper military officer.'"
Phasma tilted her head slightly. "But that isn't-"
"'Will nodded, and then took a deep breath, readying himself to do something that had not been done in the Resistance since he could remember. He slowly brought his hand to the brim of his peaked cap and clicked his heels together, giving Phasma a salute. Phasma stood stock still for a few seconds before she returned the gesture of respect, giving Will a salute of her own.'"
Phasma reached for a blaster she had been forbidden to carry on SWFFA grounds. "What is this slander? Who-?"
"This is fanfiction." Lord Haven reached into his robe again and produced an entire sheaf of printouts. "Your movie has been out for a week, no more, but there are already hundreds of stories about you. Soon there will be thousands. Tens of thousands. And the only thing stopping each and every one of them from misrepresenting you as badly as the Captain here… is this university.
"So, I will ask you one more time: stop this fighting. Put aside your differences. And teach."
Disclaimer: Star Wars belongs to Lucas and Disney. The Star Wars Fan Fiction Academy belongs to Leto Haven, and since the deletion of the original, has been adopted by me.
Author's Note: You may think this kind of interaction is OOC. Well, yes, it is. But so is Morgoth and Sauron having villainy competitions. OFUs just roll like that.